The World According to Marx Dudek

I’m now blogging at http://marx.inworld.sl/ - that is, when I actually manage to blog.

Thanks!

Sincere apologies all around for my protracted absence.  I’ve had some difficulties to resolve in both lives.  Happily, it seems that life number two is back on track and humming along - and life number one has been much less contentious.  It appears I have a great deal for which to be thankful.

My prior post was a bit cryptic and was easy to misinterpret.  It was not a jab at anyone, but rather a lament of general frustration.  I hate grouping people into categories, but there is clearly a distinction between people who understand the Second Life™ paradigm and those who don’t - and a further distinction between people who don’t get it and people who make a concerted effort not to get it.  It doesn’t mean that we love these people any less, but it can certainly be frustrating to the point of mental exhaustion to contend with the disconnection.

Second Life (or any interactive virtual environment, for that matter) is a meeting and merging of hearts and minds.  There are aspects that could easily cause one to presume that virtual life is a utopia where everything is beautiful and perfect - where every expectation is met, every dream fulfilled, where disappointment and disillusionment do not exist.  Anyone who has dwelt in world for any length of time knows this is certainly not the case.

Nearly everyone comes to Second Life hoping to be a representation of their ideal self.  Nearly everyone winds up as a virtual version of their real self, with their aspirations as well as their misgivings, their flaws and faults as well as their better angels.  I personally feel that my virtual presence in Second Life is a much truer expression of my inner self - which, of course, means that the faults are much more obvious as well.

I think, perhaps, my greatest personal shortcomings are defensiveness and self-centeredness.  Despite my best efforts, these have reared their ugly head in Second Life - at their worst, in the presence of my own partner.  While I am deeply sorry that this happened, I am also somewhat relieved.  It’s like falling down for the first time when you’re on skates - you’re scared to death of it happening, but once it’s happened, you realize you’re not broken, the end of the world hasn’t come, and all you need to do is get back on your feet and try again.

That is what we are doing.

Yes, Second Life is about exploring, and escaping and having a good time.  But it’s also much more than that.  And that’s often difficult to impress upon someone who is not involved or sees it as just another game or bit of escapism.  So when things happen to shake up the pixelated world that we populate, it’s not always easy - perhaps impossible - to explain what has happened, or why it has affected us the way it has, or why persist with it when things happen to make us sad, or angry, or despondent.  After all, it’s “just entertainment”, right?

It’s life.  And we shouldn’t run away from our problems in Second Life any more than we should in our “first life”.  That we can face our problems here - in a world where it’s much, much easier to simply disappear without a trace and without any (apparent) consequences - rather than switch them off, is a genuine sign of maturity.

Even if they are sometimes faced in the form of a rabbit.

Anyone who tells you that Second Life®©™is a utopian fantasy world where everything is perfect and nothing ever hurts, please punch them in the face for me.

I didn’t realize until late last night that the blog wasn’t working.  I had made some changes with a few of my domains, and it resulted in sparetaco.com getting borked.

Saturday was lovely.  Codie’s grand opening was amazing - as though anyone suspected it wouldn’t be!  I was so glad I could be there for it. I’ve Flickr’d some of my snapshots, and I’ve got some more to post in the next day or so.

I’ve got some things that I really want to write about, but I need time to organize my thoughts because they’re a tangled mess and it’s going to take a while to sort them out and make sense of them.

Nothing’s wrong inworld, I promise.  I’m not going emo, and I’m certainly not going to disappear.  This has to do with life on the other side of the Fourth Wall.  It’s an issue that I wish I didn’t have to address as often as I do, but this seems for me to be the most comfortable place to address it.  I know that I am in the presence of loving, caring individuals who can identify with, or at least empathize with, the state of life that exists for me on the material side of the Wall.

I love you all.  I hope you know how much I do, and I don’t feel like I tell you all enough.

Tags: real life, rouge

I tell you, it’s feast or famine with me and blogging.

First, it’s official - I am now officially the owner of Holland.   Well, inasmuch as ownership of a 100%-occupied sim can actually be construed as “ownership”.  I even hate using the word “owner”, even though the money sunk into the purchase and transfer was my own.  The wonderful people living and working on the sim were doing their own thing long before I ever entered the picture.  The fact of the matter is that this purchase is entirely a labor of love.  The sim is presently self-sustaining - which is good, because it means I don’t have to dip into my own pocketbook to pay tier to LL.

Second, Ella and I have procured another parcel of mainland.  This one is lovely beachfront land with - I believe - seven sims of protected water across the front.  I deeded the Donatelli land to her and we will keep that as our main home, but the new plot will be for rest and relaxation.  It will also be home for most future Marxism events.

A lot of people have been asking if I’m okay.  I can’t thank you all enough for your concern and your support.  I know that I haven’t been my usual “bubbly” self recently.  It has nothing to do with anything in-world, I assure you.  Maybe I’ll feel comfortable writing about it sometime in the near future.  I know I’ll certainly try.  This blog exists to give me the freedom to express myself, just as being in Second Life gives me the freedom to be myself.  And I promise to continue to do both.

Tags: Fourth Wall, holland, jewella, mainland, marxism

So I stopped into Luna this morning, to make a quick sweep … and found a familiar face among the ad-boards.

I clicked on it, and discovered a lovely message.

Written to me.

I smiled, and still am.

Thanks, Traci.  *hug*  You’re a sweet friend.

Tags: surprises

Ella wrote this in the comments to my earlier post about her. I wanted to put them up here on the front page.

Gabby is right - I am a very fortunate girl. Readers of this blog will know that Marx is intelligent, thoughtful, and articulate - how come she gone all mushy on you?

Right from the start there were subtle signs that knowing Marx was gonna be different : like when she left her calling card, a 10-metre rotating cube emblazoned with the words “Marx Thinx Jewella Roxx”; or the time I impulsively called her “my love” and immediately felt self-compelled to write and explain at length that I didn’t mean the “my” in any possessive sense.

So we fell in love and got partnered, what’s the big deal? Two things really:

It signifies to each other and to everyone else the remarkable sense of togetherness that we feel. It acknowledges the truth of the situation, it is a public declaration of private and personal joy.

And it is significant - I’ve loved and been loved before (the same as most of us) but partnership was something I’d done my best to avoid - it just wasn’t on my list. But that morning, as soon as I realised where her words were going, there was suddenly nothing in the world I wanted more.

I’m exceptionally proud that she asked me, and what is truly wonderful is that we only just beginning - we got a whole future to construct.

Now you know a little bit of why I love her so much. 

Tags: jewella, Love, partnering

I received word today that White Honey will be closing their doors. They will have all of their merchandise on sale for 25% off for a limited time (which I presume includes their “Package” for men and women). Even if you’re not into the kind of play that WH has become well-known for catering to, I advise my female readers to stop in and pick up their free gift bag. It includes the free “Honey Hud”, which makes self-love easy (and expressive!) anytime, anywhere - using your best judgment, of course! And as a satisfied owner, I can attest to the fact that it’s a five-star frisky freebie.  (Oh, and there’s one for the guys, too.)

Your taxi awaits.

I fail at blogging. I’m so sorry for the lack of updates.

If you haven’t guessed by my last post, I’ve done what seemed the unthinkable - I’ve asked someone to partner with me. I was a little surprised as well to find myself asking, but it was certainly the person and not the need to be partnered that inspired me to do so.

I call her Ella, but her full name is Jewella Stine. Not surprisingly, my first contact with her was a question about her land - namely, whether she might be interested in selling it. We had been neighbors in Monti and hadn’t even known it. After selling my original plot, I got a little homesick. I started looking around and, seeing an empty plot where I knew I had previously seen a house, I decided to ask if she was interested in selling. She wasn’t, but we began talking and I quickly discovered that this was no ordinary individual. Before too long, I was smitten - and exceptionally grateful that I had found a kindred spirit in this world of pixels and prims.

Ella understood and appreciated my reasons for remaining unpartnered - the fact that I am polyamorous (in both my first and second lives), and the fact that factors in my personal life would clearly make it impossible for me to establish and maintain the kind of time-commitment that any SL partner would genuinely deserve and expect. As time passed, we clearly made it known to each other that if we were the partnering type, we could definitely see ourselves doing so.

Recently, circumstances in Ella’s first life required her to make a decision - to stay in SL, go on a considerable hiatus, or end her time in world altogether. I was deeply saddened by the thought of not having her around, but my logic circuits took over at that point and I reassured her that FL is always more important than SL. She was to be the most important person in her life, and she had to make sure that she was okay. I told her I would miss her regardless of what her decision would be but that I would be fine, knowing that she was taking care of herself and doing what she needed to restore her sense of balance. Our goodbye was very sad - it began and ended in IM, because neither of us could bear saying goodbye to each other face to face.

Ironically, I had begun working on a project just the day before - a surprise that I couldn’t wait to share with her. Now, with things having suddenly changed, the focus of my project changed from a joyous labor of love to a distraction from sorrow. That day, I donned my most concealing black outfit, tied a black sash firmly about my waist, dyed my hair to match my clothing and my mood, and set to work. I could only hope that she would come back, and if she did, I wanted to have my project ready for her to see. If she didn’t, I would keep it as a remembrance and share it with my friends.

I was hard at work when I saw her log in. She had come in to say goodbye to some of her clients. We had a good talk, and I got the distinct impression that this wasn’t goodbye for us after all. She was planning to be away for anywhere from three to six weeks, and gave me more of an understanding of exactly what was happening in her world behind the monitor. I completely understood.

Then I felt compelled to ask the question. It was not a matter of “if” but of “when” - do I ask now, or when she comes back? Also, there were some important things I needed to talk with her about before that could happen. I let her know this, and asked her if she wanted to talk now or when she returned. She left that decision up to me - so we talked about it. She was very comforting and very understanding, and I suddenly felt myself closer to her than I imagined possible. I decided now was the time to ask. I excused myself for a moment, submitted the proposal, and nearly somersaulted back to IM. I told her I now had a question to ask, and immediately dropped 10 lindens into her account - the amount needed to accept the proposal. She said, “Does this money mean what I think it means?” I smiled and said yes, and popped the question. She screamed and burst into tears and said “Yes!”. We basked in each other’s happiness a bit longer, and said much happier goodbyes this time.

We have exchanged a few emails and IMs-via-email. I stopped into her studio just this weekend and saw that the little harlot had snuck in long enough to add some lovely new artwork to her gallery - something that filled me with unspeakable happiness. I stood in there for a while, taking in her still-present aura and admiring her new pieces.

Why did I ask? Because I didn’t have to. Ella has accepted me as I am - a free spirit who can’t (and won’t let herself) be pinned down. She did so because she knows I accept her as she is - a woman with a past that some people would consider questionable but which is to me a source of unspeakable delight. In addition, Ella has no intentions of being chained to a life dictated by someone else’s approval and permission. She lives her life the way she chooses, and so do I. She loves whom she chooses, and so do I. We are two individual songs, complete and beautiful in ourselves - but when together, we blend together in wondrous harmony. We indulge in each other’s simplicity, and we delight in each other’s depravity.

I couldn’t see it being any other way.

To the woman who made an utter hypocrite out of me, I say … I love you, Jewella Stine.

Tags: partnering, polyamory, romance